2. Cupid Is Creepy. Find solace in the fact that, at least for today, a short fat baby in diapers won’t be flying around shooting arrows at your heart.
3. Cards. You won’t have to endure being inundated with lame last-minute paper excuses, especially the glitzy, rhinestone-encrusted ones that he/she has probably shelled out $7 for. Nothing compensates for an otherwise dull relationship than an expensive Hallmark card that only Mariah Carey would appreciate.
4. Cheap Chocolates. OK, fine, so nothing saying “I’m single” like leaving Duane Reade the day after V-Day with a grocery bag full of discount candy. But it’s 50% Ferrero Rocher, bitches! Do know how expensive those golden-wrapped chocolate balls of heaven usually are!?
5. Tacky Gifts. Just think of it. You won’t have to pretend to love the life-sized teddy bear with a heart branded on its butt that your significant other managed to cough up. And as he’s pulling up to your driveway with a huge grin on his face and the bear seat-belted in the passenger seat, you won’t have to spend the next few minutes getting rid of that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you realize that this person doesn’t know you at all.
Now, I’m not saying that actually enjoying Valentine’s Day with someone you love isn’t entirely within the realm of possibility, but the black hole my heart has become over the years just won’t let me believe it.
What I am saying, however, is that it should really be less about a Hallmark-themed extravaganza and more about hanging out in some street and holding hands with your boy, while the two of you wear animal masks…
Greetings and thank you to the 5 people who are still reading this blog!
About the longer post that I promised was coming…one thing you should realize right off the bat is that I’m kind’ve like that shitty friend you vouch for, only to learn that they later bailed on the job interview you got them. In a word? Totally unreliable. See what I mean? That’s not even 1 word, that’s 2.
Anyway, even though I don’t have it right now that longer post is definitely coming. I’m serious this time. (I’m totally not.) In the meantime, though, I thought I’d post an amusing conversation I recently had with a friend of mine whom I shall, for no good reason, mysteriously refer to as ‘X’. I guess because he’s just so X-traordinarily good at making me laugh. I’m betting he’ll do the same for you.
Me (Mocking X): “I love igloos.”
X: Have you ever even seen one? The nerve…
Me: I’m sorry, have YOU? I guess it must’ve slipped my mind, that year you spent living in igloos.
X: I’m an igloo designer, thank you very much. Spent 4 years getting a degree in igloo-ology. The world’s brightest igloo makers were my mentors.
Me: OK. That’s right. Of course. Because there’s a real future in igloo designing.
X: This year we’re releasing a new model of igloo that will blow our competition away and revolutionize how igloos are made forever!
X: Except in Philly, too sunny there.
Me: And by competition, you mean the 3 Eskimos in Alaska?
X: We’ve already got those 3 Eskimos under control – international espionage along with some family threats…igloo business is ruthless.
Me: Family threats? You kidnapped their sled dogs? Broke their snow shoes? Pee’d menacing comments in the snow? (Is this racist…?)
X: If you have to ask if something is racist…
X: No, I gave them a year’s supply of ketchup bottles with holes in the bottom…that’s a permanent stain.
X: (Btw. if you’re nice to me I’ll try and get you season 3 [It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia])
Me: Omg! I would kiss your dog if you could get season 3. Just trim his whiskers back a bit, though. I’m ticklish.
X: I don’t have a dog, but I’ll find you a clean-shaven homeless man if you want?
Me: No dice. I could get AIDS, you know.
X: I don’t believe you can get AIDS from kissing.
Me: I don’t care what you believe. I ain’t kissing no homeless dude.
X: Well somebody’s got unreasonably high standards then.
Me: We all draw our lines somewhere…
I haven’t forgotten about this blog, but there’s been a lot going on since new years. Long story short, I found some cooler kids to play with and I didn’t really need you guys anymore. But I learned the hard way that those kids are bastards, so I decided to come crawling back.
Except that I broke my laptop. Now the computer nerd down the street has got it for the next few days. I’m just hoping he doesn’t return it to me with Dungeons & Dragons bookmarked and www.tetris.com stored as my homepage again…
So anyway, I’ll be back with a longer post soon. But at the moment I’m looking to find a great, new tv series that I can get crazy about. Any suggestions?
I’m cooking roasted duck tonight for the first time. With any luck, I won’t actually burn the house down. But it’s only me and my brother tonight and he just told me he may have a better dinner offer…
Do you think cooking a meal that takes 4 hours just for yourself is excessive?
So, I’m a few years too late (it seems like everyone was starting a blog in 2004), but I’ve finally decided to start one of my own.
I really hope this doesn’t turn out to be a huge waste of time…