2. Cupid Is Creepy. Find solace in the fact that, at least for today, a short fat baby in diapers won’t be flying around shooting arrows at your heart.
3. Cards. You won’t have to endure being inundated with lame last-minute paper excuses, especially the glitzy, rhinestone-encrusted ones that he/she has probably shelled out $7 for. Nothing compensates for an otherwise dull relationship than an expensive Hallmark card that only Mariah Carey would appreciate.
4. Cheap Chocolates. OK, fine, so nothing saying “I’m single” like leaving Duane Reade the day after V-Day with a grocery bag full of discount candy. But it’s 50% Ferrero Rocher, bitches! Do know how expensive those golden-wrapped chocolate balls of heaven usually are!?
5. Tacky Gifts. Just think of it. You won’t have to pretend to love the life-sized teddy bear with a heart branded on its butt that your significant other managed to cough up. And as he’s pulling up to your driveway with a huge grin on his face and the bear seat-belted in the passenger seat, you won’t have to spend the next few minutes getting rid of that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you realize that this person doesn’t know you at all.
Now, I’m not saying that actually enjoying Valentine’s Day with someone you love isn’t entirely within the realm of possibility, but the black hole my heart has become over the years just won’t let me believe it.
What I am saying, however, is that it should really be less about a Hallmark-themed extravaganza and more about hanging out in some street and holding hands with your boy, while the two of you wear animal masks…